forty-two (soboreddeliguy) wrote,

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what does it take to get a six-pack

Today is February 9th. Today was a very busy day. However at the end of it when I should be feeling really tired and content with all of its happenings. I woke up somewhat earlier than usual just to embrace our 1st 70-degree day of 2009. I drove with the windows down talking on the phone to old friends, listening to some sick new music I just downloaded and enjoyed the 35 minute ride to my new job. I though the necessary arrangements were made so that I could easily transfer from one job to the next but I was wrong, and unfortunately this is where rivets started popping up on my side of the lane. If work wasn't enough I dealt with a rather good but emotional conversation with the ex and his new partner. Here in lies the main content of my entry: do I HAVE to conform to ways that I think are VERY sorted to say the least and anything but monogamous? I tried going to sleep shortly after but should have known the bed is a shooting range of emotions and memories and I was right in line with a bullet and the target. 1st Bullet: however humble I try to project myself I still have greed, envy and jealousy. This is especially true when the new lover has a killer body and after 2 weeks of killing myself at the gym I still consider myself to have a fat stomach and very little muscular definition at all. The solution to all this is obviously to live on every piece of gym equipment for months to get those damn muscle fibers to form into 6 separate little entities into a well defined 6 pack. When do I have time for class? When do I have time to work? When do I have time to socialize? In these series of questions, or rather way before thinking of typing them I knew the answer. I know the answer to most of my problems actually but for some reason take drastic efforts to avoid them at all costs? Is this this some complex formed out of my twisted love theory and how I didn't receive the proper love from the proper people when I was a child? That is one answer I do not know. BUT I should just grow up, get over it like everything else.
Next bullet: loneliness. It may just be my 22 year-old hormones acting up but i'm screaming for a partner to LIVE next to. I'm so tired of seeing these "functioning" "OPEN" relationships. I experienced my first and only in 2008. It lasted about 2 months but that was only because we kept ourselves busy with other things. damn. I wasn't raised this way. I want something southern and simple. I want to stop and take a breath and I want to be happy...happily ever after. I want my love life to be something like a Taylor Swift song--the good and the bad. I feel like I can't compete but them again, I know the answer it's a matter of changing habit...why do I weekend after weekend (and sometimes before the weekend) try to find love in a cheap, cigarette box of a bar? Church keeps crawling across my mind...methodist church. I know the place and I know the service I want attend but something keeps stopping me? Is it pride? I don't know the answer to this question either. I remember some of the best wholesome memories of my life were spent at Burnt Mountain Church. I felt sweltering love (and heat) in that home. I cry to think of what my poor great-grandmother would think of me now. I have let her down so deerly that I don't think I could face her now...just like the open relationship thing. HOW COULD I, ZACHARY BRIAN ROGERS, HAVE A REAL CONVERSATION WITH MY ME-MAW AND SAY THE MAN I LOVE WANTS OTHER STRANGERS TO WATCH US MAKE LOVE AND MAYBE EVEN JOIN IN. I think ol'timers had a tough life to lead, but I know things like love and faith were clear and easy choices to make. There are somethings in my life that I know she would disagree with, maybe me going and getting black-out drunk. I would take her lecture and advise with a grain of salt...but with love, something that was so sacred between show her what I have derived of that love...being this sad black abyss of numbness and always seeking shelter AWAY from it. Thats pathetic, and I know better. I had just better think better when I choose to even consider sex...and I know myself its never good for anyone cause i'm always so distant and not committed to the "fun" of it, i'm too busy looking for a connection, a connection that had never been there!
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