forty-two (soboreddeliguy) wrote,

I'm a retard

I can't sleep because I have men on my mind. Attraction is so addictive. I've been spending a lot of time (and Money) in Atlanta the past 2 weeks since I met Brian, aka Justin Wells. He was so sweet, sexy, and fun when I met him. I started falling for him the first night we met. My feelings for him grew rapidly from spending the entire weekend with him. I hung out with his friends, I felt safe and I felt like he gave me a sense of direction as far as how I should be acting toward this beautiful man I just met. It was nothing more than a series of hookups that I drug into the dirt trying to squeeze the last bit of emotion toward me out of him. He said I show out too much and have a drinking issue...He has a cocaine and most likely a meth issue, but I wasn't going to complain. He was the best sex I think I've ever had and rightfully so since he's fucked over 6385435818 men. For some reason, I thought maybe he "sees" something in me. And although I don't think I have all the looks, I think I have an awesome personality, positive energy, and most of all this naive innocence that aging men seem to feed on. I like my innocence, i'll go as far as saying i'd rather not know about things than contemplate issues and deal with them. However, I will have to deal with this masquerade of men and how to act without getting hurt, but also leaving room open for a chance at love. (That's the biggest LOL i've had in awhile.) But it's true, no matter how fun it is to get myself wasted, and go home with a beautiful man...i'm always wanting more the next day, and i'm not talking about dick or ass. I want someone to fucking do what they say their going to do. I want someone to call me when they say they will. I want someone to take more responsibility than I will...and who knows, I might follow by example. This all might originate from me not growing up with a father figure. It really doesn't matter now, I just want something with some substance. The last night Brian and I went out on a date, I told him I felt as if I was in an episode of Queer As Folk, and seriously tried to understand "alternative" relationship methods like being in an open relationship, but only allowing 1 person, 1 fuck. I'm delusional, never in my right mind could I sit back and be okay with this. I'd run over that fucker with my truck just from the sheer jealousy. Buddha says were not supposed to feel that way. I don't think Buddha has ever been to Blake's or Wet Bar, though.

Oh, and what is the fucking deal with cocaine? {asking magic 8 ball} Oh, it's the lamest thing ever. Brian was always spouting off about his awesome nutrition and workout ethic...but you do coke and meth? No. I cannot expect to change these men and from experience I know I can't change anything about myself rapidly. I will set up some new criteria, though, and hopefully this will weed out some really awful people.

1) I will always attend a gay bar with a friend for the entire duration of my stay (I reason if I get too slizzard, they can make a reasonable judgement call for me)

2) I always suggest that someone else buy drinks, if he's buying tonight, there's a better chance he'll buy later...possibly dinner

3) Always get a myspace or facebook...or if all else a LAST NAME so I can Google it later

4) Casually mention what I want, I should say keyword like "date" "dinner" "movie" "commitment" (last one might not fly)

5) I will try my best not to act a fool and get kicked out of any establishment

6) achieve better judgement of people in general and reconsider my dating pool

#6 is difficult because it seems any attractive, interesting men are all clustered in midtown and guys at KSU are anything but fun.

That's all I have to vent about now. Time for bed. I have a class at 8AM, this is going to suck!
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